This is awkward...

Have you ever been in a situation where so much time passed without talking to a friend that you didn’t know what to say?

And maybe a major life event happened, like they had a baby, and you kept forgetting to reach out, so then it was like you didn’t say ANYTHING at all and now it’s just… awkward?

That’s how I feel.

Right now.

With this post—to you.

Awkward.

I haven’t sent an email to my peeps or blogged in over a year.

On top of that, I had a baby.

And I didn’t say, “I’m taking off, I’ll see you in a year!”

Nope.

I just disappeared.

It happened when I discovered my pregnancy was high-risk due to an abnormality in the umbilical cord.

I couldn't write. It felt impossible to do anything other than what my body wanted me to do. So, I listened.

That was then. Now, I want to write again.

But, I’m at a standstill with these competing voices in my head telling me what to do.

The loudest voice is Panic.

This girl is crazy. Panic says things like, “People probably think you’re dead. They’ve forgotten about you. They think your business is dead. Write dammit! Write something! Explain why you haven’t written. Tell the story of last year. Write about all of it. That will help. Just do it and do it FAST!”

Then (sigh), there’s Defeat. 

Defeat wants to bury her head most of the time. I’ve listened to Defeat a lot. She says things like, “I don’t even know how to begin. I have so much to write about. I’m overwhelmed. Maybe it doesn’t even matter.”

Thankfully, I do have Reason. 

Reason is supportive and always encourages me to be focused and move forward. She says things like, “Just start writing a little bit at a time. Stay at it. Be patient with yourself. It will come.”

The voice that helps me feel calm, though, is Kindness. 

Kindness is gentle and doesn’t have an agenda, other than to help me. I always know Kindness is speaking when I exhale and begin to relax. She says things like, “Just tell the truth. Write for yourself. Remember that if you help one person, it matters—even if that one person is you.”

Posting this is my way of listening to Kindness (and Reason) and showing up for me, even if this email is imperfect and feels awkward.

If you’re at a standstill right now know that it’s okay to feel awkward.

Awkward often comes with moving forward.

So, embrace awkward!

Say what comes to you, even if you don’t know what you’re going to say next.

Go for what feels like the truth.

But show up for the part of you that is kind, and on your side, even if that voice feels impossible to access right now.

If you turn your ear to your heart, and take action from a place that feels like truth, you will be showing up for you.

Once you do that, you’re no longer at a standstill.