How to Stop Putting Yourself Last (And Why It's So Hard to Stop)

My mom always sat down last.

Every night at dinner, she made sure everyone else had what they needed before she picked up her own fork. "Where's the butter?" She'd hop up to get it. "I think we need more salt." She'd sigh, then get up again.

By the time she finally joined us, she looked tired. But she believed — like so many women do — that putting herself last was a way of being a good mom, a good wife, and a good woman.

It may sound like another era. And yet, most women I work with find themselves in a similar role.

Maybe not with butter at the dinner table, but in the way you plan and host a kid's birthday party entirely solo, while picking up a gift for a friend's party coming up. In the way you cook dinner or pick up takeout. In the way you track doctor appointments, homework, and which days school is out.

Sound familiar?

If you catch yourself wondering how to stop putting yourself last, you already know something needs to change. You're probably exhausted. Maybe resentful. And you might wonder how in the hell you became the one to do everything, while also believing you're the only one who can do it. 

Here's the short answer: you were taught to.

Why so many women put themselves last

It's not a personal failing. It's conditioning.

From the time we're small, most women absorb a very specific set of rules about what it means to be good. Be helpful. Be agreeable. Take up less space. Take care of everyone around you, and don't complain about it.

We were fed the same messages.

"Don't be selfish," which really meant, your needs don't matter.

"Be a good girl," or, put everyone else first.

"Be nice, don't argue," or, stay in your place.

"You can have it all," or, do it all.

And we did. We carried it. The logistics, the emotional labor, the mental tabs that never close. We told ourselves this is just what life looks like.

It doesn't have to.

The need to stop

Stopping doesn't look like a complete life overhaul or a five-step plan.

It looks like saying no without a three-paragraph explanation. Letting your needs have the same urgency as everyone else's. Choosing rest without calling it lazy. Wanting more — and not apologizing for it.

It might feel wrong at first. Because anything you've been conditioned to believe is selfish will feel selfish when you stop doing it. That discomfort isn't a sign you're making a mistake. It's a sign the conditioning is working exactly as designed.

Where to start

One question I come back to with clients again and again: What do you need right now?

Listen to the answer. 

Start there.

It's a simple, but powerful question that can point you back to yourself. 

If you're ready to go deeper, A Return to Self was created for exactly this. It's self-paced, it's real, and it will help you get clear on what actually matters to you, and what you've been carrying that was never yours to carry in the first place.

If you've been constantly putting yourself last, it's time to return to yourself.