Love Is Trying to Reach You: Even on the days you'd glare at it

October leaves are changing from green to gold, orange and red, so vibrant they appear to be emanating light from the inside. I watched one drop slowly, drifting back and forth as it fell to the damp earth, only to be immediately crushed by a car tire.

On an average morning, it can seem impossible to believe that there is aliveness all around us. And yet as the leaf falls, I can see myself in a similar cycle of growth, decline, radiance and death, sometimes even feeling a tire mark. So how is it that watching it all, I feel a spark of aliveness?

So many people don’t feel alive right now. We’re inundated with messages about the earth, politics, violence, how to protect ourselves, how to get more, lose more, be more. And not long ago, I was struggling too.

I’ve felt overwhelmed by life changing. On the daily, I’ve been busy working, parenting and paying bills, and beyond that, I’ve felt the grip of fear as my mom’s brain changed from dementia. There was a different type of uncertainty when my dad was in a car accident. What would the future hold? The only thing I knew was that there’s a cycle, like the tree’s, of changing and falling away.

The day after my birthday I was sharing this with a friend, and I felt a wave of compassion within me. Love wrapped around me like a tender blanket, and I wept from feeling held by it. It was guiding me to step back and witness myself.

And when I did, in a flash, I saw the phone calls that made my stomach drop, the doctor appointments, ER visits, sitting with hospice, hugging my brothers, and holding my dad’s hand. I could see everything I’d gone through, and what I felt was love and compassion for myself, for this Being, who had gone through it. And for the woman who looks toward the future and still sees the death of her mom on the horizon.

I feel compassion for her the way I would sitting with a dear friend, understanding her heartbreak, her fears, her overwhelm, and her attempts to prevent more loss.

What I didn’t expect is that this time of pain and struggle has cracked me open at times, and I’ve felt compassion in ways I might not have if everything were perfect. I don’t know that for certain, but sometimes Love surprises me and knocks me over with compassion. That’s when I can feel the love in all of it, even the dead falling leaf that will nourish the roots.

We can’t escape the cycles, the green growth followed by decline and falling, but we can nourish our roots with the support of love and compassion, for ourselves and from Source. And it’s more than loving ourselves. All of this is a miracle: the falling leaf, our bodies, this fraction of time we have on the earth, and that we’re here, now, witnessing it.

Now, I know that if you’re feeling broken and alone and someone tells you to go look at the leaves, there’s a chance you’ll glare at them with irritation. I might too. But when I sit in nature and feel compassion around me and within me, I can see even a falling leaf as a gift.

Love is holding your hand right now. Step back and look at yourself the way a dear friend would, seeing everything you’re going through. There’s love in all of it, and it’s yours too. I’m not saying this is easy, but I know love is trying to reach us every single day.

Look at the color outside.

With love,
Sarah

I write regularly about aliveness, fear, and the inner choices that shape our lives. Get the next one in your inbox.