Last year, I went after something big. 

I put in the work. The sweat. The focus. 

And… it didn’t happen. 

It started when I decided to drop my name in the NYC Marathon lottery to run it for a second time. 

Lo and behold, my name got picked to run the thing again. It would be my sixth marathon. This time, I decided to not just go for a finish, but to race and go for a finish time. 

I worked with my running coach to build speed with tempo runs, hill repeats, and pushes on the treadmill that nearly made me puke, but I was getting faster and breaking my own records. 

Everything was going according to plan, until one of my last training runs when I stepped on a tree root wrong. You know when your ankle can do that funny thing where it almost folds in half? And I’m like… huh, that didn’t seem good, but we’re okay. So I kept running and finished that 20-miler. 

Story time.

This week, my youngest daughter lost her fashion glasses. Does she need them? No. But they’re important to her. She loves them. She needed them, couldn’t find them before school. It was a disaster.

Luckily, I have a magic ability to talk to missing things and ask them where they’re at, and I offered to use my magic power to help her find them.

They refused to talk to me.

So. Much. Stress. I went ahead and sent her out to the bus, telling her that maybe once the stress had left the building, I’d be able to listen better.

I wandered into our gym space for no real reason at all. I wasn’t headed in to get a workout or anything, I just…went. And found the glasses, right there in the Peloton’s cup holder. I know. You’re thinking where in the hell could she possibly be going with this story.

Here’s where. This whole experience got me thinking.

The stress left the room and I felt guided to the glasses. Removing the stress...

I used to settle for fine.

My work schedule was fine. My relationships were fine. My clothes were fine. My meals were fine. My mini vacation was fine.

The truth is, it wasn't fine.

Every time I settled for fine, it kinda sucked.

I wasn't believing in myself and that was an energy DRAIN. 

I thought "fine" meant being flexible, grateful, and easy-going. And, hey, I’m often all of these great things WHEN THEY FEEL GOOD (aka: energy giving). 

But, sometimes I felt like I had to be these things because if I wasn't... oh hell. Bad news. 

FINE fits right into cultural messages, especially toward women. 

Messages like "don't be high-maintenance," "don't be pushy," and "don't be cocky" lead many women to accept FINE in their lives. 

Now, wait a second. I'm not talking about perfectionism here, because I can easily say something is "good enough" and feel great about it. 

I'm talking about when FINE makes you feel like a deflating balloon. 

Womp. Womp.

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A few weeks ago, I was in the process of writing about fear and the unknown. 

Ironically, that work was interrupted when my focus shifted to historic wildfires within miles of our home, and, once again, things were unknown and worrisome. 

There were a couple of nights where it was hard to sleep. I laid in bed and thought, “Here we go again!” and noticed the familiar uneasy feeling. 

The weird thing is that I found a little comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone. 

Many of us are feeling varying degrees of fear or unease right now for a variety of reasons. It might be mild fear that shows up as overwhelm and trouble focusing. Or, it might be an intense fear that makes it hard to sleep at night. 

SO WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS?

Do we put off feeling good until things get better? 

Or, ignore the fear and keep going?

Or, try to control every aspect of the unknown so that it feels less...

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“I have zero clients.” 

I’ve heard these words from so many clients wanting to build their business. It’s usually accompanied by a heavy look of shame. 

Sometimes it’s followed by an emphasized, “Zero PAYING clients,” because they might be trading services, but they still feel shame because they’re not being paid. 

I get it. I’ve been there. And when I was there, I felt so embarrassed about it that I didn’t want to admit the state of affairs to anyone. 

This happened years ago after I started building some steady clients but then... I had a baby. 

The doors to my business closed. 

At the time, I was an overwhelmed new mom surviving on very little sleep. I had zero clients and a business that was costing us money, so paying for childcare without any clients felt dicey. 

I didn’t know how I was going to start over again with a...

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Back in the day… I was often one of the last kids to get booted out of a dodgeball game. 

Was I good at dodgeball? 

Hell no.

I don’t know if I ever threw a ball at someone. 

My skill was hiding. 

I was good at being invisible, even in plain sight. 

Because on a day-to-day basis not being seen meant that I might dodge being the brunt of a joke. 

When I think about my little girl self, I remember being a bright, funny, and caring girl who was so loyal to her friends. 

I was also overweight and totally ashamed of my body. I had a form of dyslexia (well, still have) that placed me in special ed classes to help me learn to read. I was so afraid that everyone thought I was fat and stupid. 

All I wanted was to be like everyone else. And I didn’t have a fucking CLUE as to how to do it. 

I didn’t know HOW to become skinny. 

I didn’t know HOW to...

Finding my words this week has felt a lot harder than other weeks. 

Since I last wrote, we’ve witnessed the public lynching of George Floyd. 

We’ve seen masses of people move together in violence, as well as in peaceful protest. 

And we’ve witnessed the President of the United States call for U.S. military action to stop nationwide protests against racial injustice, suggesting that the people who are marching for equality are the enemy.

All this while still experiencing the very real threat of a Global Pandemic. 

It’s no wonder that many of us are feeling a dizzying sense of overwhelm, anger, sadness, and an urgency to do something. 

I too have felt an urgency to act. I’ve wondered… 

What can I do?

Donate money? 

Write something? 

Stand in protest?

Nothing felt like enough. 

Because, for me, it’s not enough. 

This movement isn’t about making a donation and posting something on social...

Before I finish writing this, chances are good that I’ll be interrupted.

One of my kiddos will probably ask me for food, or I might hear screams that trigger my mom instincts to investigate what’s happening. (The office door just opened) Actually, my husband just walked in the office. 

These are minimal distractions, right? Like a ding on my phone. Or a buzz on my watch. 

It might seem minimal on the surface, but these types of distractions are actually contributing to overwhelm and anxiety and making it difficult to think deeply and solve big problems. 

Take me, for example, if we were to peek inside my brain when the office door opened we’d see ALERT signals firing. I don’t feel like I have survival instincts working right now, but I do. We all do. There’s a part of our brain that’s like a watchdog, and when the office door opened my “watchdog” quickly investigated.

Now, suppose we’re able to peek inside my...