Stop Asking What to Do. Ask This Instead.

I scroll through my Substack feed and see a note: “Feeling like my life is falling apart in midlife.” And the flood of comments from others who echo the same feelings.

It’s a season right now. In life, in the world.

I don’t know exactly what yours looks like, but over the last few months, I’ve lost sleep thinking about my girls, their schools, the trajectory, and whether we’re making the right decisions. My business, fourteen years in, is in a season of its own. I didn’t foresee all the changes coming or the financial questions that would accompany the changes. And as I’ve shared before, I miss calling my mom and telling her all about it. Instead, I sit with her, unable to reconcile how swiftly dementia has changed her brain and body. I help make difficult decisions for my parents and, like with my kids, hope I’m not fucking up. Sometimes I think that’s what this season is: making hard decisions and hoping you’re not screwing up.

At some point in the middle of all of it, I caught myself doing what most of us do when the picture doesn’t look the same, and we’re scared.
What needs to happen next?
What needs to change?
What’s the next right move?

As a coach and someone who naturally thinks in strategy, these are great questions — if asked at the right time.

But asked first, these questions keep us cycling back to who we’ve always been. We answer from the same perspective, the same beliefs, the same fears, the same version of ourselves. And we get the same results.

The question to ask first is: who do I want to be right now, in this moment?

I’ve been asking myself this question for years. It has never stopped working.

I’ve watched this question guide a VP through a reorg, a CEO whose business changed overnight, and a parent navigating career demands and a sick child.

In a moment of transition, who do you want to be? In a moment of chaos, who do you want to be? It shifts the focus from what’s happening outside to who you are inside. There’s a dropping-inward, and anchoring to something deeper in the answer.

You might answer: I want to be creative. I want to be human. I want to be love. I want to be kind to myself.

This isn’t just about clarity and direction. The answer connects us to something beyond the intellect. When you tune into it, there’s a stillness, confidence, and a sense of being guided rather than forcing action. It’s alignment with a version of you that feels bigger than problem-solving alone.

My answers guide me when looking at my finances, when making a hard school decision for my girls. They bring ease instead of fear. And when my kid was struggling and being rude, I knew how to hold a boundary without losing the warmth underneath it.

The next steps, the plan, come from there. And when you’re leading a team, raising children, running a business, or just trying to stay grounded through a season of change, knowing who you are first is worth more than any plan you could make from fear.

Whatever season you’re in right now, ask who you want to be in it. Let the answer be one word if it needs to be. Then live and lead from there.

With love,

Sarah

PS — If this question is one you want to go deeper with, A Return to Self was built around exactly this work. It’s where identity stops being a concept and becomes a practice.

Ends Sunday, May 31. Get a free private coaching session with me when you purchase — a $499 value. Get it here.

I write regularly about aliveness, fear, and the inner choices that shape our lives. Get the next one in your inbox.